Friday, 1 September 2017

Feeling More at Ease In Myself...

Yes, I'm feeling much more at ease in myself since I haven't seen Bert and staying away from my house.
I've also got my family back. Alan is back in my life and Sheila too, although Sheila has been around here and there, I feel that we are very much closer now. And I am so glad that I have got Alan back in my life. It all feels right.
I don't know where I would have been if Sheila and Alan didn't help me do what I needed to do, I didn't have a clue what to do.
I wasn't pressured into taking a Non Molestation Order against Bert, I done this on my own back. Sheila only found out what I had to do and I asked her to write the forms out for me as my writing is awful and I went ahead and done it all without any hesitation. 
If I'm honest, I didn't really feel that I had my children (now Adults) behind me, obviously I was wrong. It all feels so good. 

Alan told me he thinks he has found my oldest son Gary. Steven also found the same person too who lives in Leigh-On-Sea and the photo of him looks like me.
The last time I saw Gary was when he was 6 years old, he is now 49 years old. I would love to see him, but I think I may be rejected.
I get so upset when I watch 'Long Lost Families' as it makes me think of Gary and I start to wonder even more will he want to see me or not. I hope this person is Gary. Alan and Steven found the person mentioned on Facebook, I have been looking myself, but haven't found anything myself. I will have to look again.

The way things are going in my life right now, I know its only a few days since I completely broke away from Bert, but it all feels right and I feel happier and I hope to make some friends here and there too as I haven't had friends at all to talk too.  
I intend  to live my life as best I can from now on. I have got that sense of freedom to do what I want, to do what I want, and go where I want. Obviously as long as my health permits it.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Feeling Confused And Useless...

Today I have felt really down. I was talking on the phone doing something for my G/daughter Zoe and ? started to intimidate me saying I am useless and kept criticizing me in a menacing way, telling me that I can't do anything and making me feel guilty and inadequate as if I had done something wrong. He humiliated me while I was talking to the lady on the phone, she could hear all this and he also done it in front of my G/son Steven. He made me feel weak. I got back on the phone and did find out what I wanted to know for Zoe.

I felt so confused and in the end I did feel useless. I was shaking, felt so uneasy and upset and near to tears. 
? kept saying he could never be happy in this house around us. I said, go then, you won't be missed. I couldn't keep quite any longer. Of course he carried on putting me down, but I couldn't careless and held my head high in a snooty, arrogant way I suppose and let him see this and let him get on in his manipulative ways, but as soon as I said anything, it was twisted and it fell back on me as if I'm in the wrong. I didn't talk to him after that.
? is such an arrogant pig headed B*****d and thinks he is always right, Gods gift! pft!! yeah right! I have always said 'as long as ? is alright aye' I have told him this many a time and that is how he is day in and day out...B****y Sh***y PIG Faced B*****d!!! And, yes, I've called him that too, and more!!
Sometimes I just wish he would just go away and leave me a lone, but no he won't because he knows he can Manipulate, Intimidate and Patronize me and get away with it because he knows I don't know what to do about it because he can control me when ever he likes and that I don't know what to do about it. I hate him, I hate men for what they are. I think they are all pigs and that's being nice.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Chest Infection / C.O.P.D. Memory Issues

I've been having a bad time with my breathing for just over a week now. I went to see my GP on Wednesday 27th July and, he put me on a course of Amoxicillin Antibiotics and Prednisolone steroids. I've got 1 more days supply of Antibiotics and I feel just as bad as before taking them. I think I will have to go back again this week to see the GP.
My breathing is bad. When in bed, I have to sit bolt up right or lay side-ways over pillows. I sit down and my breathing is still bad and I'm worse still when I start to walk around.
The trouble with steroids is, they give me energy and I want to do something. I have been keeping myself busy here and there doing light chores well, as much as I'm able to do that is. Although, early hours Thursday morning, I just couldn't sleep and I done something really stupid and cleaned out my stages that proved to be agonizing for me and, I wished I had never started on flipping oven. Something I never do is over do things and what did I do, forgot myself and over done it! It was really a bad move on my part, that's for sure! But, I go through it although I was really more than breathless at the time but, I wanted to get it finished.
Yesterday, afternoon (Saturday) was the first time I had slept properly since Thursday. 
I have started to come down off the steroids now and should be back to normal soon... hopefully!

Medication for Chest Infection/C.O.P.D.

Prednisolone 5mg tabs

Date         Day                Dose
26/7       Tuesday            4*
27/7       Wednesday      4*
28/7       Thursday         4*
29/7       Friday              4*
30/7       Saturday          3*
31/7       Sunday             3*
01/8       Monday            3
02/8       Tuesday            2
03/8       Wednesday      1    

Amoxicillin 500 mg 21 cap   1 x 3 Times a day

26/7     Tuesday                       10:15am          3:30pm       7:30pm
27/7     Wednesday                 6:50am           3:10pm       8:30pm          
28/7     Thursday                     6:30am           1:45pm       6:pm
29/7     Friday                           6:45am           1:15pm        7:pm
30/7     Saturday                      6:30am          1: 30pm      7:pm 
31/7      Sunday                         8:40am          2:30pm  
01/8     Monday 

PEAK-FLOW 300 which is normal for me.

I'm not sure if this is a chest Infection or not myself, it could be C.O.P.D. I just assumed it to be a Chest Infection. 
It feels like the bottom of my diaphragm isn't working properly, it feels so tight, wheezing and difficulty breathing out and getting my breath, wheezing badly. Being my Peak-Flow is 300 that's what makes me think it is C.O.P.D. and not Asthma, if the Peak-Flow was lower, then I might think Asthma!? Maybe! 
I have no cough, no cold. I feel tired/fatigued most of the time or, lethargic. Good and bad days here and there. I can't sleep. I have trouble sleeping when on steroids because they have always done that to me...

Memory Issues!

I have written about all my memory issues before, but I had deleted them along with other posts that I think should have kept, things that have been happening to me in my life over the years.
My memory is long term mostly, sometimes, my short term memory seems to be there a couple of seconds then its gone and other times seems to be ok. These past few weeks my short term memory has been all over the place, quite mild really, but has been there just the same. This is due to 'Chiari Malformation' which isn't so bad since I have been taking Pregabalin 75mg since I was diagnosed in 2006 with Chiari. I still have mild issues as mentioned.

I think I will have keep a diary on these issues as they crop up as I have problem's talking about them at one time if asked. I always make lists anyway when I go to the Drs or shopping, so why not keep a diary of health issues as well...If I can remember to do so that is.

Another issue that has been bothering me for such a long while is this...
When I walk my lower spine seems to drag with pain and I can hardly put one foot in front of the other, like someone with Parkinsons, not that I'm saying its Parkinsons, just explaining how it feels, feels like shuffled steps is what I mean and spine and neck hurts then too. I don't seem to get far before I find myself in trouble breathing and walking ability is limited.

Wednesday, 20 July 2016


There's been a lot going on over the last few months concerning ? His health had got worse. 
He had a X-Rays and a CT scan that showed he has a lump in his lung. He has cancelled many hospital appointments over about what!? 2 years I would say.
Recently he  has had emergency appointment's at the hospital. CT scans, ENT and has seen consultants. ? mentioned to the consultant he was told he has a lump on his left lung and the consultant told him it is Asbestos which threw him for a while as he didn't expect to be told that. ? thought it was Emphysema or C.O.P.D. that was causing him to choke and cough continuous  day and night and he has got a lot of pain in his body. Plus, he has also got a mass on the brain. Whether they are connected to the Asbestos or not we don't know, but it don't look good.
? has got many symptoms, but he isn't losing weight, in fact he gaining weight mainly because he is drinking wine again to help him with his nerves.

? worked with Asbestos late 1960's (under age) demolishing buildings to get some money for his mum, dad and family. He also smoked heavily from an early age and worked repairing cars. Brake pads ect...also decorating the ceiling and walls with Artex over the years and taking walls down in the home ect...
In those early days no-one knew about Asbestos, I think it was just coming to light how dangerous Asbestos is. I/we are wondering what type of Cancer ? has got either Asbestosis or Mesothelioma. It don't matter which because they are both really bad to have. 
A person can live for about 5 years with these conditions. We/I am are wondering how long ? has because of the appointment cancellations roughly over, 2 years, maybe longer.

Even I have had contact with Asbestos living in prefabs and helping my mum making gas mantles. And, I've washed ? clothes when he had finished working on the cars. I've not been checked for Asbestos myself.  But saying all this, I am more concerned about ?
We actually make light of his and my illnesses and  and take the mick out of each other or make jokes, some jokes are dark, some are light but we laugh about our illnesses which I think is good so we don't have time to think about ourselves, especially ? health right now.


Saturday, 19 March 2016

Kitchen Re-furbishment...

Yesterday was a better day than the day before. I had gotten over the outburst from Thursday. phew! that was a bad day for me. 
I shopped early this morning. Shopping is far too much for me lately, even though grandson helps with most of it, the fetching and carrying.  
A couple of the staff at Morrisons asked how Sheila was. I didn't say too much, only she's got to go to the hospital next week, other than that, I don't know any more. which is true anyway! Her GP referred her to the hospital.
I bought a new DVD 'The Martian' staring Mat Damon. Looking forward to seeing this film. I have been meaning to buy this DVD for sometime.
I paid my rent today, 3 days too late...tut! and put some electric on my electric key at the same time. 
Not sure what I'm doing today. I don't feel like cooking much. 
Oh yeah! I'm loving my new cooker. I'm cleaning the oven out every time it is used
I had to wait until after the council/contractors had finished re-furbishing my kitchen. The kitchen looks good for the size of it, and so does my cooker, it looks really posh.  I'm still trying to get used to where everything is now as how everything has been designed, I haven't got half as much room to work plus, I haven't got any room for my Microwave. This will have to be sussed out as to where it can go.

Friday, 18 March 2016


I'm not feeling good about myself this morning because, I over ate, sort of comfort eating yesterday, I suppose! Due to someone upsetting me at the start of my day and a bit later in the morning with a lot of unwanted verbal, although I gave as good as I got and more! I can be very wicked with my wording at times when anyone upsets me, especially the person in question and everything else goes out the window too and I end up comfort eating. I just could not shift the awful angry thoughts and feelings within me. After dinner, around 1.30pm I went to rest in my room as I was tired/fatigued<<that is the norm for me everyday> and still shaking with anger. I tried to drown out the terrible thoughts and feelings I had and put my head-phones on really LOUD so I couldn't hear anyone and watched a DVD 'Angels and Demons' It worked for a while, while I was watching the film, but I still felt this anger lingering inside me for the rest of the day and evening. And, I had a bad nights sleep too, my mind was working over time all night. So, this morning I'm feeling really tired, but saying that my anger has subsided and I'm just feeling bewildered as to why and how I let myself get in such a state. I normally let things flow through me but yesterday I didn't see the argument coming. I hate the mood swings this person has, I wasn't prepared for the outburst, I usually can see it coming and felt like I was pushed in a corner and couldn't breath so, I had to lash out myself. I hate doing that, I would rather walk away from an argument.
..Today, I will try again with my diet.

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Gas Leak! And Contractors To Re-furbish Kitchen...

Its been a while since I last posted here. A lot has been going on. 
My diet is on hold right now and my weight is steady. Well, at least it hasn't gone up aye!??

These past two weeks contractors from the council have been in my house re-furbishing my kitchen so, I haven't been able to use my cooker and had to have take-away's for a few days here and there. 
There has been lots of moaning and groaning going on about the work that's been done (not from me, I might add) I just take things in my stride. A family member is up in arms about the units and how they have been put in
The man has just arrived to paint the ceiling and walls for me. I told him the kitchen cupboard's haven't been finished yet, he said, a handy man will come and fix everything once the painting and flooring tiles has been laid. The men have also just brought the equipment so the man can do the paint work, ceiling and walls. I didn't have much of a choice of color's to chose from that I liked. Blue, green, dark red-ish beige color or white. I chose white because I can have it done the color I really wanted at a later date. I chose yellow tiles to go above the units mainly because I want a peach color paint on my walls when it is done later. The floor tiles are dark grey, I think!? the units are oak. It should look really nice once it is all done.

Last night, I had to call out the emergency gas board to check a leak in the kitchen where the carpenter had put a cupboard around the meter. Apparently, when the council man came to do a gas check about 4 weeks back had left a screw or something undone. I hadn't noticed the smell before because the meter wasn't covered up and I always had my back door open when cooking. Anyway, that is all sorted now. Today however, I will phone the council and let them know what had happened.
Oh yeah! another thing, when the man did come to re-fit my cooker yesterday before I phoned the gas people, I told him there was gas leak since the cupboard had been fitted and he phoned his boss and told him, but nothing was done and when he fitted my cooker up he had made shoddy work of it so, I wasn't able to use it as it looked dangerous. When I phone the council today, I will be telling them what the contractors had done. Plus, I can't understand a word of what they are saying because they are Polish.

Next Tuesday,  I've got someone coming around to access me for a wet-room in my bathroom. Not sure if I want that done or not now (it would be done by the council if I have it done, not contractors) I can't remember what color I picked!? I think it was white tiles for the walls with dark grey flooring that they do. Oh well, we will see aye!


Saturday, 23 January 2016

Good Week!

Well I never, I got into my blog without any hassle would you believe! 
This week has been ok, in fact its been a good week altogether.
My weight has stayed the same as last week, mainly because I had stew and 2 dumplings for dinner yesterday. I haven't lost or gained any weight when I weighed myself this morning but, my blood sugar had risen from 5.1 to 6.1 which isn't too bad really. I did expect my blood sugar to rise more than that after eating the stew...cut down again today.

My daughter SH and granddaughter Z will be round later today. I am looking forward to seeing them both. It will be my daughter's 43rd birthday on Tuesday.
My granddaughter came round Thursday just gone for a couple of hours, we chatted for a bit then ? came in, then ? and Z chatted for quite some time while I got on with a couple of  things that I wanted to do.

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Weight Loss!

This past week hasn't been too bad. Both ? and I have been closely watching our diets. I have lost I have lost 7.lbs since New Year. I found it hard to lose weight to start off with but now I've gotten used to it and everything seems to be much easier and hopefully I will be able to lose more weight. I think I might have to change more in my diet and do more of my light exercises though. I bought a new coat just to go shopping in. It fits but I think I need to lose about another 7.lbs before I can go out in it for the coat to look right on me. 7.lbs isn't much so it won't take long to lose that.
? however, looks like hes lost some weight and he can now fasten his jacket up now where it wasn't even touching to fasten. He said hes lost 2 stone since he was weighed at the Hospital a couple of weeks back!? not sure of that myself. Then again, he has stopped drinking and it is noticeable on his stomach and in his face so, he could have.

If we keep an eye on each others progress we should be ok. We've got to lose weight for our own health reasons. Personally, I am feeling good about myself for losing the 7.lbs so far and, I can feel the difference. 
? was told by his GP that if he didn't change his life style he would be dead within 3 months. That was a kick up the back-side for him to get motivated to stop the drinking and lose weight and, hopefully his breathing will become easier for him. ? has got Heart Disease, Emphysema, C.O.P.D. and more...  

Friday, 8 January 2016

Test Results!

Yesterday ? went to the Drs to get his blood test and ultra scan results which was NOT good news. His liver is part fat and he has got patches all over the liver and he has to have another scan to investigate further because of the pains he is experiencing. The GP is looking for cancer. Plus his blood test came back with too many white blood cells. His blood test has gotten worse since the last time he had it done which wasn't all that long ago, December 2015 I think it was!? The GP has given him some different medications, not sure what they are as yet.

The GP told ? he has got to lose weight and change his life-style or he could be dead within 3 months. No, things are not looking good for ? at all right now.
When I saw ? this morning, he said, he didn't drink any alcohol at all last night, just water. I really don't know how ? is going to turn all this around to save himself,  It will be hard for him that's for sure!


Monday, 11 July 2016


These last couple of months have been difficult for ? He had a couple of  X-Ray's done which showed he has a lump on his lung and then he had an Ultra sound done then a CT scan. He then had a follow up CT scan done which showed the lump had got bigger. 
?  had to go to see a consult at Queens Hospital. ? told the consultant he was told he has a lump and the consultant told him it is ASBESTOS.
A week ago ? had to go along to see an E.N.T consult who done a test on his throat and told him there is no cancer in his throat which is a relief because ?/we, everyone thought the worst, as ya do! The consultant told him all the fluid that is being pumped up choking him and making him cough all the time is being caused by his Heart. ? has got an appointment to see the Heart specialist at the end of this month, July...All these appointments have been Emergency appointments.
Quite a while ago now ? had an X-Ray and CT scan on his head which showed he has a mass on his brain which is getting bigger. ? has a lot of severe headaches. Whether this is connected to the Asbestos or not we don't know. ? has not been told what it is. ?/we can only think the worst. Its the not knowing that makes us or anyone come to that think the worst anyway and its so frustrating not knowing.

Years ago ? worked on building sites demolishing buildings (under age) He done that for a couple of years and when we got together ? was 20 years old, he worked on cars. He done everything, striped cars and rebuilt them, worked on other peoples cars changing brake pads ect...all this to earn a bit of extra money. I used to wash ? clothes by hand (didn't have a washing machine then) after he had finished work. Plus ? and myself smoked then. I gave up smoking but ? had been smoking since childhood and stopped smoking when he had his second Heart Attack.

I too have been exposed to ASBESTOS I helped my mum with her home work making gas mantles when I was a little. We also lived in a prefab and, in later years early 1960's we lived in a prefab again.
Of course in those days no-one knew about the affect ASBESTOS had on peoples lives.
Asbestos takes 20 - 30 years to show up and it can cause many health conditions like Asthma, C.O.P.D. and Cancer 

Oh well, as bad as it is and it will be worse, all we can do is take it as it comes day by day and deal with the situation best we can....that's all we can do!
Words are easy to say but the reality is devastating when it hits home.

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Baseball Bats Ready To Maim

Yesterday morning my next door neighbor knocked at my front door and asked me what was all the commotion about the previous night. I said, what commotion!!?? I hadn't heard a thing, then again I am a bit deaf. Anyway, my neighbor said there were men thumping and banging on my front door with baseball bats. This was Sunday night/early hours of Monday morning around 12:30am.
How I didn't hear that I don't know. G/son said he heard something but thought it was somewhere in the road behind our house. Clearly, we were in danger of being hurt. ? and G/son went round to see "A" but there was no answer from his house.
I was in a right state all day yesterday and last night I couldn't sleep because I kept hearing noises and cars. It was around 3:45am before I settled down to sleep and then I got up again begot 5:am.
? said he had got a phone call from "A" last night as he was told ? had been round his house and wanted to know what was wrong. ? told "A" about what had happened and "A" said, it wasn't anything to do with him as he isn't that sort of person any more.
We are thinking, maybe, the people had gotten the wrong address because the men had been called back to the two cars and they sped off fast...Too late if the men had broken through my door and had maimed either myself or G/son on the night or, worse come to that.
My stomach keeps churning over and I feel sick and, I'm feeling very worried, scared and uneasy now in-case they come back and try again. We haven't got a clue as to what all this is about. We felt sure that it was something to do with "A" but, apparently not. So he says!

Thursday, 19 May 2016

OPT Visit


Yesterday I had my hair cut and blow dried, now I feel human again. 
While I was out, a man left a message for me on my answering machine. He is from the council Occupational Therapy (OPT) to let me know he could come round today Thursday and I was to ring him to make an appointment. As I went to ring him the phone rang and it was the same man so we made the appointment there and then for him to come here today.
So today I've got the man coming round from the council Occupational Therapy (OPT) to assess me for a wet-room shower in the bathroom. Not sure how that will go or what paper work he will need to see. I got all the usual papers ready for him to see, if needed that is!
I'm feeling a bit nervous as to what he will ask me or what I am going to say. I shouldn't be nervous really as it should be straight forward. I just don't like talking to any type of legal people in-case I can't follow through with my words as I forget, get confused or I can't get my words out (Arnold Chiari Malformation symptom)
I have made a list of all illnesses that I suffer from, even the less important ones and what medications I take for them.
It's a good job I had made a list of all my illnesses and medications a while ago because last night I couldn't remember any of them so I had to look them up on my computer where I keep the lists...phew!! Oh well, just another obstacle to overcome.