Thursday, 21 April 2016
Bad Thoughts and Feelings and Worthlessness...
There's been a lot of stuff going on lately. My Zoe has been to fill forms in at The Vinery Hostel earlier this week and it is a matter of days when she moves in there. She has been staying here since Good Friday 25th March 2016.
G/son isn't of much help although he does help me with the shopping but, even he pulls me down with his stupid blaspheme talk of Jesus and other stupid ridicules and annoyance towards me. He won't stop unless I tell him to F..K-Off! And he laughs at me and goes away. It seems that's what I have to do to make him leave me alone. Surely that's no normal behaviour what he is doing...is it!??
? has/is having a lot of ups and downs for a long time. Everything seems to be all about...Him! Him! Him! I know he is ill but, what about me, I am feeling ill too. Plus, he has been very intimidating and patronizing me and saying I'm mad all the time and he gets pleasure out of it...a lot! All this is making me feel worthless. I feel tearful all the time but, I don't let anyone see me like that. I've felt so down and unhappy in myself and have had bad thoughts and feelings so, I have tried to keep myself busy, rest and sleep. I have no life of my own, my life is passing me by. I am expected to spend my money on shopping to keep others, wash, cook, clean and that is my life even though I find it hard to do things as I hurt so much...I am feeling so depressed and feel like crying all the time. I hate everyone right now, no I mean I am disliking everyone right now but, I don't want to feel this way towards anyone. I just want to be left alone. I want to live the rest of my life in peace. If only I could get away from everyone, just for a day so I can get a bit of peace. I feel trapped and feel tormented and don't know how long I can stand any of this any more.