Behaviour Problems...

Do ya know what! I wonder what ever I have done to deserve my life to be the way it is, it must have been mapped out for me right from the start. How I get my life altered around, I don't know and don't think I ever will somehow. Everyday seems like a rainy day to me. But, saying that I think I must have a lot more than most people and should be grateful for what I have because I have got a lot more than a lot of people who live on the streets who have nothing and no-one at all. I WILL say my peace here as it is bugging me badly.

• First of all, my father was a happy go lucky person but also a Manic Depressive. His Depression was caused by WW11 and he had bad nightmares, and more. He committed suicide 8th October 1962. Not that I would say bad against him as I loved him very much and still miss him dearly. He was my world.
• My mother, well we had our ups and downs, probably mostly my fault there as I gave her a rough time after my father had passed due circumstances I don't want to go into right now.
• My first husband I wonder if we should have got married. I did love him, but felt it was too soon. He was a quite man, he was a lovely man and I destroyed him all because I wanted a different life style, I hurt Fred so much. I was angry with myself most of the time and suppose selfish with no thought for anyone else except myself. I hold my hands up to that.
• My second husband is also a Manic Depressive (now called Bipolar) of the highest category. His mood swings are very frightening at times. I have been around Manic Depressive all my life so I don't know any different. He also has got many other illnesses to cope with too and is waiting for more tests to be done for another bad illness which I hope will be negative for him. I've had a bad time with him with his manipulating, intimidating and patronizing, dictating controlling ways.
• My daughter is like her father very depressive and full on and is going through Manic times right now.
• My Granddaughter Zoe has been self hurting herself and is rebelling against her mother right now, she is seeing a councilor for her behavour problems and I'm worried sick for her as she has gotten herself mixed up with someone who has also self hurt himself.
• My son Alan, I am lost for words about him as he has done so many bad things wrong and been in and out of prison. Deep down I love dearly, but not sure of him. I hope one day things will change and we become closer.
• My Grandson Steven, he is wrapped up within himself and won't interact with people and is seeing a councilor for his behaviour problems too.I clearly don't know what's going to become of him.
• My other Granddaughter Jade, well, I'm not sure about her either as I don't see much of her and don't know what she is about, her manner, her ways, her attitude seems way off.
• Me, well what can I say!? I'm confused about all my life and don't know what to do about anything or anyone around me. I feel angry with myself for not knowing what to do and lash out when anyone says something to upset me or I'm cornered and I use really hateful, wicked words when provoked and I won't hold back my words, and I hate myself afterwards. As far as I can see, I'm used as a servant, a nursemaid and a money bank, do this and  do that, Patronized, Intimidated and Manipulated, dictated too and controlled in other words USED, USED, USED!!! Sometimes I think my life has been good compared to a lot other people. people. I could have nothing or no-one and people who live on the streets and should feel grateful for what I have. I do feel grateful for my life really. I'm just ranting off as this is how I feel right now thinking about what has happened to me and my family.

         Then again, the way the world is today I don't think I would want to go anywhere outside          these four walls. I could have said a lot more but not sure how to put it into words on here.